Fiercely...Lost
Today I feel...Lost. (And a little bit bloated if I'm being honest.) Remember those smiley faces when we were in Kindergarten that we would use to indicate whether we were feeling happy or sad, or somewhere in between?
What a great way for young burgeoning human beings to learn to identify their feelings and the subsequent facials cues.
Today, and as of late, I would say I'm somewhere in between. Not a face turned upright or down but maybe a squiggly line. I do have moments of the extreme - the happiest of happy's and the saddest of sads - but for the most part, I'm sitting somewhere in between.
Which brings me back to the beginning, lost. There I said it - I. AM. LOST. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I legitimately wake up every morning and ask myself that very question, "what am I doing?"
Before you take this to a very morbid place let me stop you and say it's not like that, it's more regarding my life by way of my career path. Ever since I was little I always dreamt of who I would become, what I would do with my life once I exited the hallowed halls of the Catholic school system and entered the real world a full-fledged adult.
At twenty-one EL-OH-EL.
But that's besides the point, I knew I was going to be someone. I was going to be a b-o-s-s lady. Hear I am world, watch me roar.
Never did I expect the real world to be so goddamn difficult! *Pardon my French but I felt it necessary in this situation OKAY!
Anyway, on the daily I wake up and wonder - "How did I get to this place?" "What is my purpose?" "How do I find my purpose?" "How do I create a life where I wake up feeling jazzed about work every single day?" - Emphasis on the last one for sure.
There it is again, lost.
Does anyone else ever ask for signs to see if you're doing something right? If you're in the right place at the right time? No? Just me? Lately I often find myself looking upward toward that big blue sky, past all the falling raindrops as of late, asking the big guy upstairs, if I'm doing the right thing. It feels like too many forces are working against me or not in my favor sometimes that I think maybe that's the sign I've been searching for - that I'm not doing the right thing. Not making the right choices when it comes to my career.
If there could be like a step by step handbook for this whole post-college adult career life thing that would be great. And I'm talking more than just a self-help book to surviving your twenties because trust me I've read plenty of those. Everyone knows, it's a hard decade to survive.
The point is, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing and it's driving me absolutely insane. I feel like my life is on the tip of my tongue - it's like that word that you're searching in the depths of your brain for, but can't seem to find. That word that's on the tip of your tongue just waiting to be shouted from the mountaintops, that's exactly how I feel my life is, waiting to be shouted from the mountaintops.
What it is I want to shout is the question...
If you're a young millennial like me, first of all, welcome friend, I'm sure you're reading along right now like "holy hell that's my life." If you're not, then let's talk pronto, I could definitely learn a thing or two from your life butt-kicking skills. Part of what I struggle with is my vast array of interests. Ideally I would love to do something for work that incorporates as many of these as possible as well as the paycheck that affords me my LA lifestyle. Not that I'm super bouge or anything but if you know anything about LA you know it costs some serious cheddar to live here.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just a fantasy too far out of my reach. Can I make a living incorporating writing, fashion, clothes, beauty, travel, relationships, trying new things, events...Realistically, probably not right now. But even two or three of those things would be rad.
Ultimately I want to feel challenged, excited, energized, enthusiastic. I want to feel alive every single day and not like I'm just going through the motions which I'm starting to feel. Don't get me wrong I love me my routine but to a certain extent. Ya know?
I truthfully feel so much anticipation and anxiousness toward life at twenty-five but in the best possible way. I often tell people the coolest thing about being in your twenties is also the most overwhelming. The fact that you no longer have a system per say that you're abiding by. You're no longer finishing out grade school so you can go to high school so you can then go to college and get a good job so your parents don't have to support you anymore.
The world is literally your oyster. You can do anything you want to.
If you wanted to quit your job tomorrow, rent an RV and drive across the United States you could. If you wanted to start a non-profit you could. If you wanted to teach yourself how to weld and start your own furniture business - I bet you know where this is going - YOU COULD!
Like I said, it's a beautiful thing but an equally terrifying thing.
Right now, I'm just trying to figure out what is my "I could." More importantly, what is my "want." What brings me that challenge, that excitement, that energy and enthusiasm that I want to throw all my efforts behind...
Ahh to be a twenty-something, it's great isn't it?
(Originally Published February 5, 2019)